grocery rules 101

While grocery shopping with the children, I have decided that there are certain rules that one must follow in order to have a more positive experience for all parties involved. (It also helps to ensure the safety of the children from certain angry mothers...)

1. When choosing a parking spot, park closest to the cart corral. Not only does it bring entertainment to the children when you are unloading groceries (picture: hey Roman, let's play zoo! you're a lion and this is your cage...) but it enables you to quickly deliver the cart without too much inattentiveness to your offspring.

2. Training your little ones to ride on the side of the cart is acceptable, as long as there are equal amounts of weight on both sides. Otherwise, the cart will probably tip over. Not acceptable.

3. Have your list handy and do not give it to the baby to hold. She will invariably eat it.

4. Circle the perimeter of the store to pick up the "boring" items first: fruits, veggies, meats, etc. DO NOT give treats to the rugrats until the end of the trip. Having them promise to be good while holding a tempting bag of candy never works.

5. Always be aware of where you stop your cart if you need to price something out. For example, if you need cereal, do NOT stop in front of the fruit snacks as this will cause excessive commotion. Pause, if you must, in front of the coffee. A much better alternative. Ideally, with practice, you can learn the "walk and grab technique" which doesn't allow any time for the children to be aware of potential treats.

6. Having stuffed your pockets with Corn Chex from home is handy in a pinch.

7. And lastly, to prevent all dismay and pulling out of hair, leave the children home with their father and take as long you need to. Maybe by going grocery shopping in the next city?

aye-what?

Last night we played a family game of charades. Holland went first. She was a baby. Easy guess. Then Greggory. As he hadn't really caught on to the point of the game, he was a little boy chasing his sister. Another pretty easy guess. Then Brooklyn. She started flapping her arms and running around the room.

Hmmm. "Butterfly?"

No.

"Bird?"

No.

Then Roman suddenly announces, "You're a unicorn."

Yes!

Okay. Roman's turn. He climbed onto our coffee table on all fours and then started tapping the table and making animal-like gestures.

"A dinosaur!"

No.

"A woodpecker!"

No.

"An elephant?"

No.

He jumps off the table enthusiastically and exclaims, "I'm an aye-aye! It's an animal that hunts for food by tapping on the ground like a woodpecker!"

Oh, that. Maybe a different game, then?

worst

Aside from the children and husband dying, and the house catching on fire, the very worst thing happened. (This may or may not have a happy ending.)

I was at Winco. With all four children.

The end.

Okay, seriously, another worst thing really happened. At Winco you have to bag your own groceries. I was doing this and then I paid the cashier for my food. I finished loading the bags into the grocery cart, gathered up the kids, walked outside to the parking lot, approached my van and then stopped cold.

I could not find my purse anywhere.

I searched the cart finding nothing and rushed back inside remembering that I had set my purse on top of the middle console where the paper bags are held. I remembered placing the change from the cashier inside my bag before loading the kids to leave. I walked straight to the spot. My purse was not there. I asked the cashier if he had seen it. He had not. I searched my cart again. No purse. Feeling quite frantic but keeping relatively calm, I thought, maybe I had dropped it on the parking lot when I was leaving? I rushed outside again. Nothing. I should mention that I was doing an awful lot of praying. I thought, go back inside and ask customer service if someone had dropped it off. I asked them. Nothing. At this point, I was at a dead end. My purse contained all of our monthly grocery cash, my cell phone, car keys, house keys, and pretty much the whole of our paper existance. I was shaken.

At customer service I wrote down my name just in case and turned around to walk to, well, I didn't really know. Then I saw a lady. She was approaching me very quickly from the other end of the store. And she was holding my purse! As I thanked her, very profusely, relief washed over me so intensely that I couldn't hold back the tears. But get this. She said that someone had left it in a cart outside.

I don't really know what to make of that.

bath and potty works

Yesterday, after hearing several unauthorized splashing sounds, I went to check on the boys in the bathtub. Sure enough, they were giggling and dumping water on each other with a bucket. The fact that the water was blue from being saturated by bar soap did not seem to deter them.

And then I realized that the bucket that they were so gleefully playing with was Greggory's training potty!!

But with all that soap in the water, I just figured the soap and the potty canceled each other out.